I'm looking forward to it, a weekend by the sea. Salt air in your lungs. Sun on the water.
Sand in your sandwiches. I refuse to be discouraged.
You're looking forward to it, too. When I called for you, you were whistling.
I'd just opened me electricity bill.
No, you were happy! Not so loud.
Nobody admits to being happy, these days.
Exercise! The world is full of social reformers
and nothing irritates them more than some fool who's happy.
You need exercise. I don't keep this figure by accident.
There's not a cloud. We'll be all right if it holds.
We'll be able to sit here all weekend, in the sunshine, waiting for Gordon and his mini-bus.
You take Ivy. Ivy is VERY steady. You wouldn't catch her doing anything reckless, like being happy.
He'll be here. Gordon won't let us down.
The only time I've been let down was when some fool agreed to stand as me best man(!)
Hey-up. Hey-up. Foggy's gone, again.
F-F-Foggy.
Fog-Fog. Uh! What is it, Foggy? A-a-a-h!
Yes, well, no. I thought so. Something's missing.
I've been running through an inventory and I am sure there's something missing.
It's Compo. What time will he get here?
I told him 09.00 hours. I gave him instructions, written down in simple terms, for the average idiot.
He turns out to be an above average idiot.
In the whole universe, probably my favourite people.
He's late. Let's go without him.
You can't abandon the man. No, you have to train him. He is a human being.
Foggy, you have just won the Norman Clegg award for outstanding services to human lunacy.
We're not going without anybody.
Get yourself in t'holiday mood. Are you sure you locked that door?
You've sent me to lock it 33 times.
I've been up since six o'clock just locking that blasted door.
Leaving me packing. More like unpacking. "No room. Not an inch to spare."
Then she opens her mouth(!)
I heard that. I've been hearing that for 30 years.
You're on holiday. IF Gordon gets here.
How come you've got your postcards before we get there?
They're cheaper here.
That's a reckless holiday spirit.
I don't intend to be taken for a ride. Just as well if you're depending on Gordon. Where is he?
They're all alike. They're useless heaps.
I quite like their Arnold. He's just soft in the head.
The older I get, the more I like dozy people. You get a lot of practice round here.
Give me a razor-sharp intellect.
Oh, I will. The minute I find one.
What's dozy about Arnold? I got married with me eyes closed.
I did not wish to imply that you weren't dozy, too.
Oh! That's all right, then.
Good material, Sidney. The sort of person you could go paddling with.
I'm looking forward to seeing Max Jaffa. Paddling?
He's coming now. Come and look.
'Bout time too. Oh-oh! God! Just look at him!
Why is it he never cuts the figure seen behind a regimental band?
He's more of an elastic band. Here he is.
Here, Sid, get hold of that. I do admire people who travel light.
You wouldn't believe he was the Duke of Devonshire.
Or the Duke of Wellington(!)
Where are you going? It's survival.
Do you really need this cardboard box?
I've got my best brown hat in there.
It's the sort of rubbish normal people put out for the dustbins. We're not going on safari.
Look at him standing there like a bossy giraffe!
Ah-ha-ha!
You can't ruffle my iron self-control.
Hups! Hey! Look at those twinkle-toes.
His trousers are up his nostrils.
Get off. I'm not going if it's one of them sort of holidays.
He looks like a ventriloquist's dummy, doesn't he?
Only when you pull the string. Gottle of geer. ..Gottle of geer.
That's enough. I'm glad to see you've made some effort. Ta.
You look like a National Health gigolo. Ta. Yes, I like... Don't touch that!
What the...? Come on! What are you doing? Haven't you got a proper handkerchief? Hang on.
Put THAT away. It might come in handy to clean a bicycle(!)
Oh! That is my aftershave.
If you ask for the large size you get a tanker(!)
It's dead masculine. It's called Biceps.
Smells more like footsteps(!) It's an athletes' aftershave.
I imagine they'd have to sprint wearing THAT.
Biceps. Which obviously means half of forceps, that is, a pair of tweezers with only one prong.
That could take a bit of getting used to and THIS could too
which, of course, explains why it's called Biceps.
It doesn't explain why you were late. I said O9.00 hours. Hark at the Fuhrer. We will run on schedule.
I couldn't help it. I were trying to find somebody to leave me ferrets with.
Couldn't you have organised it yesterday? Or come to me. I have a tactical brain.
I always leave 'em with Nora Batty but, when I went next-door, it seems they've gone on holiday too.
People DO go away. If the bus comes.
I see our Ivy's in a nice holiday spirit. It's nice of you to come. Give us a kiss, come on. P-put me...
Hey-up. The bus is 'ere.
Right. Norman, will you bring my case? Somebody bring my case.
Do you want the string as well? Let's be off.
Hey-up, Gordon.
I hope you locked that back door.
The bus is waiting.
You great, prongless fork. "This holiday is going to be run on schedule(!)"
HORN BEEPS Come on, Colonel. Come on.
INAUDIBLE
How far is it to Scarborough? I don't know. Just a quick one while Gordon washes.
I must say, the landlord looks smart which I take always to be a sign that the beer is going to be untidy.
It doesn't matter. We're on holiday.
Ugh! Mmm? O-er! It does matter a little bit.
"Seahaven is a superior boarding establishment a short walk from the beach."
How about a swim before breakfast?
How about it? HOW about it?
I'll go myself. Jolly good. They don't make 'em like THAT any more. They never did. What's the fuss?
We could do with that healthy glow from a body driven to the limit.
I think they'd like to restrain one of your most endearing features,
the courageous determination to make a prat of yourself.
That's not nice. Do you see what you've done? You've put him in a bad temper. He's a handsome prat.
Come on, Foggy. Who's going on holiday, then? Little Foggy's going on holid-a-y.
I'll buy you a stick of rock, a plate of whelks.
You remind me of my Auntie Bluebell.
She didn't wear as much scent.
This place seems all right. It would be good if someone went out and escorted Ivy in.
That's the second stupid idea he's had in less than a minute.
It's a gift. Where's Gordon? Do you think he's stuck in them toilets?
If he can drive a bus, he can steer through that operation.
Perhaps he's having clutch trouble.
After all, he must have been out there for about...about...
Hey-up. That's very space age.
Have you been bouncing payments?
Our Hilda's club. She's in for a nervous Christmas.
How many dials has it got? Oh, it's not only a watch. THAT is a calculator. How?
I'm not sure about that, yet.
What time is it, then? We-ll, it's um, er...
If you're a balloonist, it tells how deep the water is. Useful(!)
It's water-resistant. That would appeal. Biceps!
Where do you think you're going? I'm trying to keep the beer off me jacket. What a performance!
Are you elbowing me? I'm insisting on standards. Tory!
I don't care. Listen, don't you...! Excuse me. Excuse the running battle.
This gentleman is a stickler for etiquette and writes for the Catering Corps.
This gentleman isn't and doesn't.
Will you have one? Not one of them two.
Well, er, I did really mean a drink. He's a bit starchy, i'nt he?
What do you expect?
He's spent his life building up a decent clientele and YOU walk through the door.
I should very like to give you a belt round the ear. Don't you... HEY-UP, Gordon! About time, too.
Nice toilets.
You can stay here if you like, Gordon, but we're going to Scarborough.
How about that, then? Smell the air.
Fish'n'chips. And they say there's no poetry in 'im(!)
It might look peaceful, now, but the German navy shelled it in 1914.
I should think they've finished by now. What time's high tide?
Ask the striped gentleman. He's got the world's most informative watch. BLOWS RASPBERRY
Oh, look, your Gordon's made friends already.
INAUDIBLE
Watch that box!
How do you do?
Gordon. Come on, Gordon.
GROANING Get in training, like I do. It's a pull up them stairs.
Five fluttering flights. At least it's only one flight down to the bathroom.
Once the...red...mist starts clearing from in front of your eyes, it's quite a nice room.
I'm going to have a rest and I'm going to tackle them stairs again about...Wednesday.
GONG
The place is on fire. That's lunch.
Lunch is on fire? It's time to eat.
That's a daft way to carry on. Why don't they shout? Walk. Don't run.
It may not be far to the beach but it's a long way to the dining-room. Courage! It's downhill all the way.
Ah! Yes, well, I thought that was very palatable.
We're still in Yorkshire, aren't we?
We've not gone abroad like Anderson, from Merkley Street. Where did he go?
Liverpool.
He said the water was drinkable.
Mmmm!
Have you finished? Yeah.
How about a refill? I haven't time to sup tea all day.
Oh! Smashed. Clumsy thing!
I hope everything was all right? First class.
We was saying how nice it was, Mrs Chaffer.
Seldom have we received such service. Oh, I'm glad. Call me Rose.
I do try. It's all right now, early season, but I get very flustered when we're full.
Mabel's a treasure.
She looks as if she's been dug up(!)
What the devil are YOU up to?
I thought I'd take a few scraps up for the seagulls.
You don't feed seagulls. They'll have your arm off or, in your case, your sleeve.
They've got primitive internals. It will go straight through them
and be deposited in the space I saved for my trunks.
Hey-up. It's the Gestapo.
God! Does he eat the bones an' all?
INAUDIBLE
Why does the sea taste of salt?
I expect they ran out of vinegar.
No, it's the mineral content. The wear and tear on the rocks.
You mean like sliding down a fireman's pole? That's something I've always wanted to do.
It must be difficult climbing back up, especially, if you're shagged out after a fire.
Hey-up! I think I saw a winkle. Don't you know? Not really.
It were gone in a flash. Never mind.
They take too much training to make good pets. What are you talking about?
WINKLE-TRAINING. They need a firm hand.
What about affection? Rubbish. I've known more winkles ruined by over-pampering than any other cause.
Hey, look, my shoes have gone green!
From outside, or in?
Outside. It must be the rocks.
Well, that's life. You start off in the morning full of hope and by tea-time your shoes are going green.
Oh, is that the time, already?
Don't roll your sleeve up for our benefit. We're only here for a weekend.
WHISTLING
This is very pleasant. I must confess to a feeling of optimism about this holiday.
It wasn't you on the bridge that night, steering The Titanic(?)
I refuse to be discouraged. Things are looking up.
He's been exposed to my civilising influence.
He's been exposed in all sorts of places(!) I'm keen to see his hat.
Have you had a peep at his socks, lately?
I knew there was something I meant to do. We can't cram everything in.
You might be surprised. I was.
I thought the only way to make the nights tolerable would be to banish his socks.
I approached them, gingerly. I turned them with my ruler/spirit level...
You've got a nerve. ..only to find that they are brand-new and relatively harmless.
What's more, his FEET are CLEAN.
You don't think he's been sneaking off and having a paddle?
No. It's my belief he's been washing them.
The whole world is upside-down(!)
What's more, this is the third time that he's been down to the bathroom.
Will you be there EVERY time I go to the bathroom?
I can't promise to be here EVERY time. I don't get up early.
But I'll catch you at bed-time with a little bit of luck.
WHISTLES
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and...bored.
Er, you ARE waiting to go in there, Uncle Bill?
You must be joking, Gordon. It's much more fun out here.
# Oh, I am, I'm a stranger in paradise
# My passion for Edna White The girl with the steamy eyes. #
Hey, I'm gonna like it here. There's more going on here than there is at home.
He looks like Henry Cooper. Sings like him, too.
There's a couple down below. I heard them arguing.
I hope you've not been ear-wigging. I were passing.
You've been "just passing" quite a lot. How many times have you been?
I just like to, sort of, get the, you know, the feel of the place.
Do you know, a thought has just struck me. What was that?
I think I'll go wash my feet.
# Some day my prince will come... #
GARGLING
Nora Batty! My own true love. Oh, God, what are you doing here? I love thee, Nora.
Don't come near me. Have you left him in the lurch?
No, I've left him in t'bedroom. Listen to me, Norry. Me cup runneth over.
Yours is spilling out a bit as well.
Aaah! Ha-ha-ha!
You'll be all right tonight, Wally.
What's wrong? Shush! Shush! Shu-sh? I was full of shush a moment ago. It's you that started me off.
I keep hearing something. It's some dozy Herbert saying, "Shush."
Listen. It's nothing.
I have a soldier's reflex. The first cracking twig, I reach for my bayonet.
Who the hell's gonna be cracking twigs up here?
It's haunted. This place is haunted. Unless it's mice.
You mean terrifying, chain-rattling, risen-from-the-grave mice, with fangs(?)
All right, you don't believe me. You listen. ..It's in the wardrobe.
It's a seagull. What, in the wardrobe?
No. It just SOUNDS like it's in the wardrobe.
It does impressions. Throws its voice. Ah, go to sleep. I'm going to investigate.
No. Stay there. I'LL do it. I'll do it.
I told thee. There's nowt in there. You call that investigating?
Why don't we go for a walk along the front? We could get a seat, now. What's he trying to hide?
Very little. Adjust your dress.
They've got inside your box. I don't mind them being there.
I can't enjoy my holiday if some creature's to be out in the cold.
You don't want mice in your personal belongings. Here...
It's his ferrets! He's brought them.
Like that Henry Cooper. Out. No! Get them out!
Subtitles by Linda Singh, BBC